10 things to do after a breakup

Visit your local sex shop: buy that ridiculous and looking and expensive sex toy, rent that tried-and-true classic porno, read some smut you can stomach, browse through old Penthouses from the 70's that had real bush and real tits, you get the picture.

Have sex with an ex.

Find new ways to sweat: it could be squash, it could be laying out in the blazing sun, it could be moving large mounds of dirt.

Tell everyone.

Tell no one.

Discover your own fad diet, like surviving on Korean barbecue, kimchee and caprinhas. See how many people you can convince to go on it.

Take long hot showers, so long you have to keep turning up the hot water as it runs out. Sit in the shower.

Keep a running list of all the annoying things that person did. Make sure you share with friends so they can keep reminding you about his unstoppable bad breath, her incessant teeth-grinding, his aggressive tailgating, her silent-but-deadly farting in her sleep.

Start writing your own missed connections on craig's list. We know you like reading these from time to time, so come up with your own. How many potential mates can you note in a day?

Take public transportation. This forces you to be near other people, rather than cooped up feeling sorry for yourself in your own hovel. It is also a great opportunity to come up with some missed connections. Take the bus when school just gets out. Admire all the obnoxious and loud teenagers. Maybe some of their spirit will rub off on you.

Feel sorry for yourself. Throw a goddamn pity party. It's ok. I told you you could.

Cry. If you can't cry, watch the saddest movie possible and feel real bad, something like King Kong, Ordinary People, or Million Dollar Baby. These will put your life into perspective. C'mon your life ain't that bad. Crying is like masturbating, you will feel 100 times better afterwards.

Anytime you feel like calling him or text-messaging her, masturbate. In the car, at work, at the dentist's office. Please be discreet, though. It is not a turn on to watch strangers masturbate unless you are really really hot.

Get in the car. If you don't have a car, rent one for a coupla days. Play music real loud. Sing along until you are hoarse. Get lost someplace new.

Tell me yours.