The Single Girl's Guide to Staying Single

Wonder Woman, Emy Calucin

Decide in moment of incandescent illumination to depilate my legs. Pull out highly-recommended-self-waxing-kit-gathering-dust-in-bathroom-cabinet and precede. Legs hairy enough to confuse Diane Fossey. Warm wax as instructed, self-inflict pain as instructed, marvel at leg smoothness. After finishing one leg, realize not enough wax strips to depilate other leg. Walk around for two days with one leg hairy, one leg not. In vague kind of way, as in when at Trader Joes or in line at bank, look for wax strips. In defeat, shave other hairy-as-an-ape leg.

Spend hours, okay days, roaming aisles of dreaded Swedish manufacturer of cheap put-it-together-your-damn-self crap in search of storage solutions for new apartment one fourth size of last. Compulsively buy, sheepishly return, rinse and repeat. New apartment one-fourth-size-of-last remains in boxes because can't settle on fucking bookshelf! that won't fall apart when placed with, uh, books.

Log in to online dating site where nearly one-year old ad languishes like remaindered book on bottom shelf at back of store. Ambivalence + pain x regret=hasty retreat.

Decide in another unique moment of incandescent illumination to take moonlit walk on beach walking distance! from new apartment. Silhouetted figures engage in romance languages. Small dogs attack. Sneaker confronts tar. Fog rolls in. Rain ensues. Moon no where to be seen.

Read first book by highly-acclaimed, young (relatively), male author taking up significant amount of (now) scarce bookshelf space. Forced to look up vocabulary words at alarming rate. Alarming rate invokes feelings of ignorance, stupidity, and patheticability in reader. Read about central male character's fling with college student while professor at esteemed college. Wonder why never had such encounter when student at college. Wonder were to be professor if fling with college student would happen. Consider switching professions. Ignore unknown vocabulary words. Fall asleep with light on. Loose place in book.