Today's awkward confession

_{Ana Mendieta's "Untitled (Body Tracks)"}

There are a few things you should know about me.

I fall in love on the first date. It's not like love at first sight. It's more like, I just know whether or not I could fall in love with you. And then it's up to you, whether or not I do. I have, on occasion, been pleasantly surprised. As I have, on more than one occasion, been not. At times it seems--to me anyway--as if I am perhaps not that picky. And although I find that thought more than a little frightening, I guess it also means I am a pretty open person.

But what I really would like to confess here is that I have this bad habit. Let's call it the projection habit. It's sorta similar to when you think you are going to die and you see your life flash in front of your eyes. That happens to me with, oh say, men of a certain age. It could happen with the suit next to me on the airplane, the tow-truck driver as he changes my flat, the school teacher with the brown-bag lunch patiently waiting at the subway stop. Suddenly and quickly, I see my life flash forward with this person. I see us falling in love, I see us moving in together, I see us growing old. I see the details: the coffee I bring him before work, what he looks like asleep in bed in the morning, the empty plates after a mid-week meal. It's nothing I can stop, it's nothing I have control over, and it only gets worse the older I get.

It's rather embarrassing and I can't believe I just told you.

But it's kind of funny, too. With the suit it's me bringing him coffee. With the tow-truck driver, it's a can of Schlitz and with the middle school teacher, it's freshly squeezed orange juice.

Sigh.

There are many things to worry about. And then there are just things. I'm trying to learn the difference. I'm trying not to be one of those night-guard-wearing women. I'm trying to live in the moment. I'm trying, well, let's just stick with that: I'm trying. For the time being I have all of my fingers attached--minus the bit of an index finger I lost in a soup accident. I have one or two skills under my hat. I have wit. I have composure. And I have at least a few more mistakes to make.

Keep your fingers crossed.