what I am not

I cannot play the dozens. This was a popular sport when I was growing up and sadly enough, I was never any good at it.

Nor can I bake bread. This pains me deeply. I have tried on multiple occasions, but the bread just will not rise.

OK let's talk about knitting. I once made a latch-hook rug of Oscar the Grouch, but beyond that I have not yet progressed.

I cannot tell a joke. OK, I know exactly one joke, I've known it for some 10 years now and I first learned it in Spanish which is probably why it has stuck with such allegiance. It's not exactly funny, but it does have to do with Salvador Dali and Pablo Picasso taking a walk on the beach.

I cannot drive a car with a manual transmission. Practically every man I have ever dated has tried to teach me. I have remained stubbornly ignorant.

I am horribly tone-deaf. I once took a singing class at the local JC. We discovered I had a wide range, a booming voice, a keen interest, but alas this one critical detail was missing.

Which brings me to the next on the list. Despite having taken piano lessons for almost 8 years, I cannot play an instrument.

I do not remember my first birthday. Nor my second. Nor many of those that followed.

And oh yeah, I can't remember anybody else's birthday. I am convinced this has quite a lot to do with the fact that my own birthday falls on a holiday. If yours fell on a well-known holiday, I could, perhaps, remember it.

I cannot juggle with more than 2 objects. All those years of clown school and they wouldn't let me graduate because of one minor detail.

I cannot play Bridge. Nor can I play Mah Jong. Lord only knows what I have been missing.

Chances are, I could not perform an emergency tracheotomy if it were needed.

I cannot wiggle my ears, make my tongue into a taco, nor flare my nostrils. And I have to admit, I have never spent much time trying.

Just to be clear. I am not a contortionist.

Four square was never my game.

I roll a piss-poor joint.

I would prefer not to give you a haircut.

And I would be lying if I said I could explain to you M-theory, the theory formerly known as Strings.

Is it just me or does this baby bear a striking resemblance to Kurt?