Get thee to a nunnery!

I once had a party to which I invited all my exes. One of them couldn't make it. At some point in the evening they started comparing notes. Besides the cheating, kicking and biting this is what they came up with:

She always burned the milk.
She'd put the smallest amount of milk in a pan and just walk away.
She did the same thing with the tea kettle. Only she left the house!

They were all in agreement that I had forgotten all of their birthdays at least on one occasion.

She called my dad Bob!
She told anecdotal stories that had NEVER happened when we were together.

Boy, were they getting riled up.

Was she always unable to part with the rotting vegetables and moldy cheese?
I was afraid to eat her meals.
I had to sneak in there and throw away the sour milk or she'd use it.
And the coffee.
The coffee!
She couldn't let any amount of coffee go, no matter how cold.
I once counted 4 paper cups each with less than a finger full of coffee in the fridge.

They had, of course, their particular complaints.

#4 who had only moved here recently, hated the way I shouted directions at him AFTER his ability to follow them had passed.
#3 had a bone to pick with my choice in shoes. He complained I was unable to make a practical decision in this regard, no matter how far he tried to plan in advance.
#2 was visibly upset every time I cussed in front of his parents.
#1 was tortured by my loud conversations in movie theatres. He admitted that we had often sat apart.

Things took a turn for the ugly.

She once tried to use orientate in a sentence.
I heard her say fishes, but it might have been in her sleep.
We were at a party once and she kept saying detrus instead of detritus.
I could never read her handwriting.
She really overused the word intuitive.
She had no idea what the difference was between cumulus and mammatus clouds nor any idea of their proper spelling.

Although it has been some time, I still smart from this exchange. And no, they are never invited over again. I have decided, though, some Casey down time might not be a bad idea. I'm going back to the Sisters of the Immaculate Heart of Mary and I will be bringing some really tough questions like: What have I done to deserve any of this? I'll let you know if the Rectory has an internet connection.