a room without a view but nonetheless a room

OK, so I put my ad up for the now available room for rent. And no one has responded! Could it be that my ad was too honest? Did I sell myself short? I have, after all, been accused of this in the past.

Looking for a roommate who is similar to me, but who won't be around too much, but is cool enough to hang with when they are around, who isn't desperate for new friends, but, you know, my friends would get along with their friends were we ever to throw a party, who either does not have sleep-over partners or if they do, it's just way more comfortable to go your partner's house, who is tidy but not OCD, who makes very little noise, who won't really be seen watching my TV and cable and TiVo in the living room, who can hold an intelligent conversation, who is not 420 whatever the fuck that means, who is not so young that I could have been their babysitter 15 years ago, but is not so old that they have hoards of grandchildren they babysit, who will not lecture me when I cook meat, who uses the bathroom infrequently, especially in the morning hours, who comes without a pet, but who will gladly feed mine when I go away on vacation, who won't use the phone, who really would rather wear five layers of clothing than turn on the heat, who will not have Bible Study nor any other religious group activities at the house, who is not hideous to look at, whose voice is not grating, whose laugh will not send me into panic sweats by its shrillness, who will never complain, who will forever be grateful, who will just disappear one day when I finally get my finances together to live here alone.

What you would get in return is a 12 by 12 room with a closet, hardwood floors, 2 windows, some curtains and a door that closes (but your really have to slam it). The windows overlook the poorly designed 70's apartment building next door and you might want to consider placing your bed as far from that window as possible because you can hear everything that goes on in those apartments. And boy, do they like to party! You can have one shelf in the fridge, one ledge in the medicine closet, but really there is not a lot of room left for storage. And oh yeah, your closet is where I store my bike so, you know, I will be coming into your room to retrieve that.

Please come prepared with a monologue, I will be handing out personality tests at the door, transcripts are recommended as is a letter of recommendation from your parents, and if you come with any preconditions, you might want to consider bringing a note from your doctor. Good luck!

Is that really too much to ask for?