St. Joan of Snark

The convent does not, as it turns out, have a very fast internet connection. In fact, correspondence of any kind is frowned upon here--and this just might be related to the daily scheduled brainwashing. But Sister Mary Mother of God Margaret does have an old PC and now that they've opened up a Starbucks, I am able to speak to you from deep within these bougainvillea-covered walls.

Botox, belly dancing, and scientology--it seems, the Roman Catholic Church has become quite indiscriminate when it comes to who can sign up to for being a nun. Age, race, gender, it doesn't really matter; you just can't, you know, become a priest any time soon.

The schedule here is quite rigorous. Pilates at 8, colonics at 9, followed by aroma-hypnotherapy. When it comes to purification, they really mean business! The confessions are daily, as are the group therapy sessions and the AA meetings. I'm not quite sure what the Kegel exercises have to do with it, but I am sure the Sisters have a master plan. I just don't want to get booted off anytime soon.

But really, it's mostly a bunch of 30-something women, who lie about their age and how many times they've conceived. All that being said, they are not without humor. I am sure that, when the other participants locked me in the bathroom without the lights on, and forced me to say Bloody Mary twenty times while looking in the mirror, they were all kidding.